Men Have To Deal With The Emotions Of Donor Egg IVF, Too

For heterosexual couples, being told by a doctor that you need to use donor eggs to have a baby can be incredibly emotional...
Kristyn Hodgdon •Jun 15, 2021

For heterosexual couples, being told by a doctor that you need to use donor eggs to have a baby can be incredibly emotional for both partners. While it might seem obvious that a woman would grieve the loss of her biological tie to her future child(ren), there is a lot for men to come to terms with as well when it comes to pursuing donor egg IVF as their path to parenthood.

Grief 

Infertility is a couple’s issue, not just a woman’s issue. And in the case of donor eggs, it can be incredibly difficult for a man to accept that his child won’t share genetics with the woman he loves. This is a normal part of coming to a place of acceptance for both partners, and it is a necessary step toward becoming comfortable with what may still seem like a new and nontraditional way to grow one’s family.

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Guilt

In pursuing donor egg IVF, many men feel guilty that they can be biologically related to their future child(ren) while their wife or partner cannot. Because of this, men often leave it up to their partners when selecting an egg donor. However, choosing an egg donor together can be a powerful part of the process and a very bonding experience. 

Shame

Even if the cause of infertility is an egg quality issue, men often experience feelings of shame and emasculation at the idea of using donor eggs to have a baby. Culturally, some even place blame on the woman for being unable to conceive. More commonly, men decide not to discuss the child’s genetics with family or friends due to societal pressure and the stigma that still exists surrounding infertility. 

In addition, not everyone in your life might agree with your shared decision to use donor eggs to grow your family. While it’s easy for others to say, “don’t let it bother you,” this isn’t always easy in practice. It can be especially difficult for men who don’t often show their emotions, so those feelings can get bottled up inside while portraying a facade of ‘strength’ on the outside. That’s why it’s essential to have methods of managing unwelcome criticism, so you don’t lose the joy that comes with finally building or adding to your family. One piece of advice is to have your answers prepared ahead of time so that you don’t get flustered when put on the spot. 

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Indecision

As a couple, it can be an empowering choice to determine together whether or not to be open about your decision to use an egg donor. There is no rule stating that you need to tell others; you can always resolve to keep the information to yourselves if you’re concerned about criticism or a lack of support. On the other hand, if you feel providing in-depth details will help better explain your choice to use frozen donor eggs, let that be a part of your narrative. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing or answering a specific question, that’s okay, too. Know that it is completely up to you and your partner if, how, and when you decide to share your story with others. 

Powerlessness

A lot of men have said they wish they could take away their partner’s tears, hurt, and pain during infertility, but they feel powerless to do so. That is especially true with donor eggs; but it’s important to remember that even though you might not be able to control the situation, you can be there for your partner every step of the way. You’re in this together to make decisions that are best for your family, and that includes both of you. 

Concern

Many women who need to use donor eggs to have a baby say their initial concern is that they wouldn’t bond with a child that did not share their genetics. This is a real concern for dads, too. However, this hypothetical worry turns out to be very rare in practice. In fact, the experience of hundreds of dads in the Donor Egg Bank USA network is that bonding is rarely if ever, an issue for either parent. In the vast majority of cases, the donor-conceived child feels just as much like your own as they would if they shared your DNA. 

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Happiness

The idea of using donor eggs to grow your family can be incredibly daunting for both partners. But at Donor Egg Bank USA, their team is grounded in the belief that everyone should have a chance to build a family. Since their launch in 2012, they have gone above and beyond to assist individuals and couples of all backgrounds in their quest to have a baby. 

Not only can Donor Egg Bank USA make sure you are supported emotionally on your journey to parenthood, but their Assured Refund Plan™ also provides a live birth guarantee within 6 donor egg IVF cycles or you get a 100% refund. There is no obligation to complete all 6 cycles, and at any time you may choose to end treatment and still receive a 50% refund. The plan has no gimmicks and once the fee is paid, there are no surprise fees along the way because they know your dream of having a family isn’t complete until your baby is tucked safely in your waiting arms. 

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From those struggling with infertility to LGBTQ+ couples, frozen donor eggs can be an optimal way to start the family of your dreams. Still, the decision to pursue donor eggs often doesn’t come lightly, and it’s important for both partners to be open and communicate about what they are feeling throughout the process. Whether they share your genetics or not, this is your baby, and your family, and however parenthood comes to you is beautiful.