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When it comes to sexual desire, many of us have been led to believe that it should always be spontaneous, urgent, and all-consuming. However, the reality is far more nuanced.
Sexual desire can manifest in different ways, and understanding these variations can be empowering for women and couples of all ages. Now, let’s dive into the concepts of spontaneous and responsive desire and explore how they relate to female sexuality.
What is spontaneous desire, and how is it different from responsive desire?
Spontaneous desire is what most people typically associate with sexual arousal. It's that sudden urge — the spark that seems to come out of nowhere. You might be going about your day when, boom, you're hit with a wave of sexual thoughts or feelings. This type of desire aligns with what we often see portrayed in movies or read about in romance novels.
On the other hand, responsive desire is exactly what it sounds like — it's a response to something. This could be physical touch, emotional intimacy, or even just the right environment. With responsive desire, arousal comes after stimulation begins rather than before. It's like your body saying, "Oh, this is nice. Let's keep going!"
The prevalence of responsive desire in women
According to Dr. Emily Nagoski in her best-selling book “Come As You Are,” 30% of people assigned female at birth and 5% of people assigned male at birth experience responsive desire. This doesn't mean these women don't experience spontaneous desire — many still do! But understanding that responsive desire is normal and healthy can be incredibly validating for those who may have felt that something was "wrong" with them for not experiencing frequent bursts of high libido.
It's also important to note that one type of desire is not “better” than the other. They're simply different ways our bodies and minds approach sexual arousal. Some people may experience both types of desire, while others might lean more towards one. And these patterns can change over time or in different circumstances.
Factors influencing desire
Many factors can influence whether we experience spontaneous or responsive desire. Stress, fatigue, hormonal changes, relationship dynamics, and overall health can all play a role. For instance, during times of high stress, you might find that spontaneous desire decreases, but you're still able to become aroused in response to your partner's touch or a romantic setting.
Age can also be a significant factor. Some women report experiencing more spontaneous desire in their younger years, with a shift towards more responsive desire as they get older. However, this isn't a hard and fast rule — every person’s experience is unique.
Embracing your unique desire pattern
Understanding the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire can be liberating. If you've ever felt "broken" because you don't often feel spontaneous urges, know that you're not alone. Responsive desire is a perfectly healthy way to experience sexual arousal.
For those in a relationship, communicating with your partner about each of your desire patterns can be incredibly helpful. If one partner typically experiences spontaneous desire while the other is more responsive, understanding this difference can prevent misunderstandings and foster a more satisfying sexual relationship.
When low desire becomes a concern
While different desire patterns are normal, some women may experience persistently low sexual desire that causes distress. This condition is known as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD). If you're concerned about your level of sexual desire, it's always a good idea to speak with a healthcare provider.
In recent years, new treatments have emerged for women dealing with HSDD. One such treatment is Vyleesi (bremelanotide), which was approved by the FDA in 2019. Vyleesi is designed to be self-administered as needed before anticipated sexual activity. It works on melanocortin receptors, which are thought to play a role in sexual function.
Vyleesi has been shown to increase sexual desire and decrease distress related to low sexual desire in women with HSDD who had not gone through menopause. However, like all medications, it can have side effects and isn't suitable for everyone. That’s why it’s crucial to discuss all options with your healthcare provider to determine the best approach for your individual situation.
Nurturing desire in your life
Whether you experience spontaneous desire, responsive desire, or a mix of both, there are ways to nurture and cultivate sexual desire in your life. This might involve creating time and space for intimacy, exploring what turns you on, communicating openly with your partner, or working on stress reduction techniques. What matters most is that you feel comfortable and satisfied with your sexual experiences.
Remember: your sexuality is a vital part of who you are, and understanding it better can lead to greater self-acceptance and a more fulfilling relationship. By being aware of the different ways desire can manifest, we can break free from restrictive narratives about how our sexuality "should" look and embrace all the wonderful ways human beings experience desire!
Vyleesi is an FDA-approved prescription option. Visit Vyleesi.com for important safety information.
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Kristyn Hodgdon is the Co-Founder and Chief Creative Officer at Rescripted.
