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Picture it: A rare Saturday night where you and your partner have nothing on the agenda. No one needs to catch up on work, neither of you has plans with friends, and the kids are at grandma’s house. Instead of firing up Netflix, one of you tries stroking the other’s leg.
Except the other person pulls away, clearly not interested. It’s baffling behavior: You haven’t been fighting, and things have been pretty stress-free lately.
Is your relationship in trouble? Before you rush to update your dormant Tinder profile from 10 years ago, keep in mind that this behavior is totally normal. It's so normal that there’s even a technical term for it: Sexual desire discrepancy.
Although low sexual desire is common for perimenopausal (referring to the roughly two to 10 years leading up to menopause) women, sexual desire discrepancy can affect partners of all ages and genders, so it’s worth educating yourself on this topic. Rescripted spoke with Karen Stewart, PsyD, a sex and relationship therapist based in Beverly Hills, California, for her insights.
What is sexual desire discrepancy?
“Sexual desire discrepancy is when couples have a different level of desire or interest in sexual connection and activity with each other,” says Dr. Stewart. This disparity can manifest through “frequency, initiation, or overall levels of sex drive, which can be bothersome. One person may want to be more active than another, or less active, and it can sometimes cause friction in the relationship.”
So, no, your partner hasn’t suddenly fallen out of love with you, but at the same time, this is a real problem that shouldn’t be ignored.
Why does sexual desire discrepancy happen?
Sexual desire discrepancy can occur because life throws us lots of curveballs. Certain “circumstances or stressors may de-prioritize the romantic aspects of a relationship for one or both partners,” says Dr. Stewart. Each partner has different needs, especially whenever there’s a disagreement. “In some relationships,” explains Dr. Stewart, “one partner may need or want physical sexual contact more often than the other, even when the couple has conflict.” Say a couple gets into an argument — one partner may want to reconnect sexually afterward, whereas the other may prefer physical space.
Dr. Stewart also points out that sexual desire discrepancy can present itself after major life events like “an affair, a loss, having a child, a move, or a job change.”
Tackling sexual desire discrepancy as a couple
We get it: The last thing any couple wants to do is talk about their sexual troubles. It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable. But facing the issue head-on could mean the difference between reconciliation and splitting up. Dr. Stewart offers three simple steps for sensitively addressing the problem:
Step one: Take a calm and gentle approach with your partner
This is not an “I’m right, and you're wrong” situation. You may not understand where your partner is coming from, but that’s why talking is critical — so you can meet them where they are. “Be cautious with the delivery of your communication,” advises Dr. Stewart. “The last thing you want to do in such an intimate conversation is shame your partner for their different feelings and opinions about your sex life.
Step two: Have an open and honest conversation about your wants and needs
That goes for both parties. This is an opportunity for each partner to voice their desires and what they feel is lacking in the sex department. “If you are currently intimate once a month and you were previously sexual once a week,” Dr. Stewart offers by way of example, “discuss with your partner what might have changed and how this reduction in frequency makes you feel.”
Step three: Ask your partner how they have been feeling about your sexual relationship
The only way to get a direct answer is to ask a direct question, so if you feel something is off, they probably do, too. “Ask [your partner] if they have noticed a difference in intimacy and about their feelings on how you have been connecting lately,” suggests Dr. Stewart. At the same time, if your partner says they haven’t noticed any changes, that’s all the more reason to engage in these types of discussions. “Sometimes people can be unaware that there has been a drastic shift in their sexual relationship due to circumstances in life outside the bedroom,” says Dr. Stewart.
Okay, you had “the talk.” Now what?
Just because your problems are out in the open doesn’t mean they’re automatically solved. Dr. Stewart recommends going “back to the basics” during this healing period. You may want to take a non-sexual approach to reconnect with each other through “good communication, date nights, or watching your favorite movie,” she says. “Even laughing together can reignite the sexual flame in your relationship.”
When you’re both ready to return to the bedroom, Dr. Stewart suggests thinking about “what originally turned you on about each other. Did you engage in different positions or wear sexy lingerie more often, or maybe include toys?” If you answered yes to any of those questions, then consider re-introducing some of those early relationship essentials into your sex life. “Offering your partner a massage, doing something nice for them, being playful, or taking a bath or shower together can help create those sparks that might have reduced over time,” says Dr. Stewart.
When to consider professional help
Sometimes, even if couples have tried everything — in-depth conversations, date nights, candles, massage oils, lingerie — they still might need professional assistance. And that’s okay! It doesn’t mean you’re on the fast track to a breakup. “A good medical professional or therapist will be able to provoke the couple with challenging questions, ideas, and thoughts the couple either didn’t think of or were uncomfortable discussing on their own,” says Dr. Stewart.
Sex and intimacy experts can help the couple develop more effective communication styles, as well as provide tips on how to spice up their relationship through “exercises in the office or suggestions of physical and sexual play at home,” explains Dr. Stewart.
Decreased sexual desire, which is not due to a co-existing medical condition, problems with the relationship, or the effects of a medication or drug substance, is medically referred to as hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). It is such a common condition that it affects about 10% of women in the United States.
It’s worth contacting a professional if you believe you may have HSDD. “The first step in reducing HSDD would be trying to lower your overall stress through exercise, meditation, mindfulness, journaling, and psychotherapy,” advises Dr. Stewart. “I immediately ask about [the female patient’s] sexual history, previous level of sexual functioning/desire for sexual encounters, and what could’ve caused this reduction. Has this person gone through a major break-up or loss? Is it medical, hormonal, or something else? By finding the root cause, a treatment plan can be created and more effective.”
One option is Vyleesi, an on-demand, as-needed, injectable treatment for premenopausal women with acquired, generalized HSDD, with no alcohol restrictions. As Vyleesi is prescription-only, speak to your medical provider to see if it’s the right medication for you.
Whether or not you and your partner need professional treatment for sexual desire discrepancy, what’s most important is your mutual transparency. “Addressing the topic in a calm, respectful, and gentle way can help open lines of communication,” says Dr. Stewart, “allowing for the opportunity to address concerns, ease discomfort, and increase the bond between you.”
Vyleesi is an FDA-approved prescription option. Visit Vyleesi.com for important safety information.
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Sarene Leeds holds an M.S. in Professional Writing from NYU, and is a seasoned journalist, having written and reported on subjects ranging from TV and pop culture to health, wellness, and parenting over the course of her career. Her work has appeared in Rolling Stone, The Wall Street Journal, Vulture, SheKnows, and numerous other outlets. A staunch mental health advocate, Sarene also hosts the podcast “Emotional Abuse Is Real.” Visit her website here, or follow her on Instagram or Twitter.