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The thing about infertility is that unless you’ve experienced it, you can’t possibly imagine how devastating it truly is. It’s so heavy, many people may even experience depression while on their infertility journeys.
According to material from the Anxiety & Depression Association of America, we psychological toll of infertiltiy is very real, and it's important that we regocnize that. Anxiety and depressive symptoms are common among people who experience infertility — and if you feel like your sadness is impeding your ability to function, you’re definitely not alone.
The holidays with infertility can be especially challenging
Infertility can feel especially tough to navigate through the holiday season, when you may be around people in your life who ask insensitive questions, you may be spending time with relatives who are pregnant or new parents, or you may simply be overwhelmed by the amount of social interaction of the holidays — which can be tough at any time, but especially times when you’re experiencing depression, infertility, or both.
Of course, mental health conditions often require professional help.
If you’re experiencing symptoms of depression, which can include persistent feelings of sadness, feelings of hopelessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, changes in appetite, and suicidal ideation, seeking care from a qualified mental health professional is truly the best thing you can do. Talk therapy, medication, or a combination of both are expert-backed approaches to take when dealing with mental health concerns.
There’s no substitute for professional mental health treatment, but there are lifestyle modifications or choices that can help alongside proper treatment.
Personally, I was at the absolute lowest point of my own journey through the holidays, and it was incredibly hard. Here’s what I wish someone had told me while I was in the thick of it.
It’s okay to say 'no' to that event
The most surprising thing about infertility is that triggers seem absolutely unavoidable. When I was in the depths of it, I pretty much wanted to avoid all social interaction because every single time I went anywhere, I’d have a painful, uncomfortable interaction that just made me feel worse. In hindsight, I wonder if part of that was tied to my overal mental health at that period. I really just did not enjoy being around people, and I wish someone had told me it was okay to take a few months to just retreat.
Unfortunately, the culture still hasn’t changed enough to make social interactions feel more comfortable for people going through infertility
And so it's on people who are going through infertility to create environments of comfort for themselves — whether that be out in the world (more on that below) or at home away from it all.
The world should change so that people going through infertility don’t have to change their social habits to protect themselves. In a perfect world, that’s what would happen.
But we don’t live in a perfect world, and the reality is, you may have to say no to parties or events in order to protect yourself from fertility speculation or triggers.
Preparation is key
It is really, really hard to come up with the right response to an invasive question or insensitive comment in the moment. When someone asks “so when you going to have kids?” or says“you should have a baby before it’s too late!”, you may feel frozen. Coming up with an appropriately sassy response might be the thing you *want* to do, but it can also be impossible in the moment to find the right words (or the courage to actually get those words out).
That’s why I wish someone had told me about the value of preparing for such encounters. After all, we know we’re going to encounter some sort of uncomfortable comment or question (yup, I’ll go so far as to say that). We might as well gear up for those encounters by coming up with our comebacks well in advance.
Maybe you even want a few options to keep in your back pocket: One slightly more respectful, educational response (think “I would really prefer to avoid conversations about family plans tonight” or “that’s not really a topic I feel comfortable addressing at the moment”) that you can use for certain family members, as well as one more direct response (like “It’s really weird that you still don’t know you’re not supposed to ask me that” or “That was such an invasive question”). You could even come up with a few shocking, humorous replies (like “On the subject, how’s your sex life?”).
Make sure you have someone on your team
Enlist your partner or another family member to stay close to you throughout all interactions. That way, you have someone who can back you up if you find yourself in a triggering conversation. When you’re experiencing a mental health condition, you can feel intensely isolated…even when you’re in a crowded room. I’ve found that holding to someone who feels like a safe space can make this feeling less pronounced.
Talk about it
As I mentioned earlier, it’s simply impossible to understand what infertility feels like unless you’ve been through it. There’s no way to make someone understand. But there are ways to bring awareness to the issues that come with infertility, and that may involve opening up about what you’re dealing with.
Talk to people about your fertility issues if you feel comfortable doing so. You might find that people in your life have been through it to you, much to your surprise. You might just feel like the conversation removes a weight from your shoulders. You might find that the triggers and uncomfortable comments start to fade away.
These are delicate conversations, but they’re yours to own. And having these conversations might be the first step towards making this holiday season easier to get through.
Zara Hanawalt is a freelance journalist and mom of twins. She's written for outlets like Vogue, Parents, MarieClaire, Elle, Cosmopolitan, Motherly, and many others. In her (admittedly limited!) free time, she enjoys cooking, reading, trying new restaurants, and traveling with her family.
