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As a kid, I always envisioned being a mother. When the ever so popular question in school came up of, “What would you like to be when you grow up?” my first response was always a mother. I never once thought of being a teacher, a chef, or the President—I just wanted to be a mom.
Growing up, I watched my mom raise us five children, and she did it flawlessly. She could nurse a newborn and help my brother with homework, all while making us lunch and looking gorgeous while doing it. She was such an amazing care-taker, cheerleader, best friend, and comforter. I knew that when I grew up, I would be just like her and have a house full of kids running around.
Sadly, that dream vanished, and instead, we entered the dark world of fertility treatments and empty bank accounts. Not being able to conceive children has really taken a toll on me both physically and mentally, and I have grown accustomed to infertility life as it has been apart of me for so long.
My husband and I began our journey in 2013. After trying to conceive the old-fashioned way didn’t work for us, we mustered up the courage and made an appointment with my OBGYN to see what might be prohibiting this oh so simple task. My OB performed all the baseline tests and found nothing. He said we were still so young and not to worry. (Note to all of the doctors out there: never use this line on a patient because it fills the couple with false hope.)
To speed things up, my doctor prescribed me Clomid with timed intercourse, and we did the baby dance for an entire year. Naively, we thought this would do the trick. I had never taken hormones before, and obviously they were working because I was bat shit crazy, but in the end, there was no baby to show for any of it.
After a year of Clomid, we were referred to a fertility specialist who we saw from 2016-2018. During our first consultation, our new doctor looked at us and said, “I WILL have you pregnant within three cycles of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).” We left that appointment on cloud 9 knowing we would have a child soon.
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Unfortunately, we underwent six failed medicated IUI attempts and were back at square one. Looking back, this is when we should have switched clinics, as our doctor had absolutely no answers and wasn’t willing to try anything different in-between cycles. Our protocol stayed the same for each insemination.
Feeling as though we had invested so much time in our doctor already, we decided to give IVF a shot and began in September of 2018. We had a great stimulation cycle and ended up with 19 eggs and 8 frozen embryos. Our doctor urged us not to genetically test our embryos, because our embryos were of perfect quality, and once again we were “so young.” From there, we endured 3 failed frozen embryo transfers, an ERA cycle which was Pre-receptive, followed by another failed FET, for a total of 4 failed transfers and the loss of 8 embryos resulting in no baby.
We finally decided to switch clinics in May of 2019—something we should have done years prior—and began fresh. We took a few months off, giving my body time to heal and gear up for a new round. After several tests and procedures, we received the all-clear to begin IVF.
We started another IVF cycle at a new clinic with a completely different protocol, and we were able to create 5 PGS tested normal embryos! It was recommended for us to do an HSG test, a Hysteroscopy, and another ERA cycle before transferring, so that's what we did. The HSG and Hysteroscopy came back clear—my tubes were open and no scarring or polyps were found. Then, we completed our second ERA cycle and discovered that I was Receptive!
On January 27th, 2020 we transferred one perfect embryo, and finally after years of failed cycles and negative pregnancy tests we received our first ever positive! When our nurse called to tell me the news I heard her say “ I am sorry, but the results are negative,” and she had to repeat herself several times before my brain registered the good news.
We are now 26 weeks along with our miracle baby boy, and we are adjusting to this new journey. To be completely honest, we are still in shock and disbelief. We have had a fight or flight mentality for so many years that it has been quite the adjustment to accept that our time has finally come, and I am growing a child in my womb.
Along with adjusting to our new life, there is PTSD that is embedded deep into our souls. I still come across pregnancy announcements with a pit in my stomach and scroll fast so as to not hurt my heart. What I’ve come to realize is that infertility lives within you forever. Once you become pregnant, you do not suddenly become fertile—you are now just infertile and pregnant through the grace of God and science.
IVF takes a toll on your body, mind, spirit, and all of the relationships in your life. My husband and I have put ourselves on the line for years to pursue what we believed in not once giving up or thinking “this is the end of our story.” No matter how tough the battle is, if you really want to become a mom, never give up. Miracles can and will happen—sometimes they just take a little longer than expected.
To all the Warriors out there, I see you, I am you, and I love you. Keep climbing, Mama.
Jessica Veit is an infertility warrior who is currently 26 weeks pregnant with her IVF miracle baby boy. You can follow her on Instagram at @mamainthemaking21.22.