What Does it Actually Mean to be a Good Wife?

Somehow, I found myself on the side of TikTok that features "high-effort wife" content. Here, women proudly go above and beyond for their husbands. Think: Waking up at 4 am to make and pack their lunch. Laying out their clothes every morning. Making all the appointments so their partners don't have to think about it. Handling all the cleaning, cooking, household shopping.

To this, a few creators have responded to say it's "weird" that these women are treating their husbands like...well, children. And those creators? Well, they're being eviscerated. Others online are calling them bad wives, questioning if they even like their husbands.

But here's my take: Why are we so quick to question whether a wife actually likes her husband, and so hesitant to question whether a husband actually likes, respects, and cares for his wife?

If you want to pack your partner a lunch or go above and beyond, I think that's great. I love doing things for my partner too! But here's what I want to call out: Why do we think women need to exhaust themselves in order to be considered "good" to the people in their lives? Waking up in the wee hours of the morning just so you can pack a lunch, for example? Handling all the chores at home? That sounds exhausting.

I asked my own husband if he would even like it if I woke up to make him breakfast and/or lunch on the days he wakes up super early to travel for work, and just as I expected, he said no. He would rather I stay asleep and be well rested.

Now listen. I'm not a morning person, so that's why I won't be doing some of the specific "high-effort" stuff these ladies are calling out. Maybe some of them are actually awake super early and genuinely want to do this stuff. I don't know.

What I'm more concerned with is the policing of what makes someone a "good wife". Just like the "good mother" ideal, it needs to be unpacked. Because contrary to what these narratives suggest, there are so many ways to be "high effort" as a partner, good to your spouse, and a loving wife that don't involve performing constant domestic labor....and literally losing sleep to do so.