Will I Ever *Not* Have My What-ifs About the Third Baby I Never Had?

When my twins were born, several people told me I was so lucky because I "could be done" having kids. As much I know how inappropriate it is to essentially tell someone they're "allowed" to stop having babies (last time I checked it's...none of anyone else's business?), I did, in some way, see where they were coming from. There was a symmetry to my family: Two parents, two kids, one son, one daughter. It did feel...kind of complete.

And for a long time, I held on to that feeling of completion. I had always envisioned myself with two kids, and I'd gotten them. I suppose I also needed time to heal from my complicated delivery and postpartum experience before I could even wrap my head around going through it again.

Somewhere along the line, though...I started to wonder if I should have the third baby. I truly couldn't make a decision, so we decided to leave it up to fate. We tried for a few months, it didn't happen (which isn't surprising, considering I needed a round of IUI to conceive my twins), and I told myself that this was it: I had my answer. I was meant to be a mom of two.

But years later, I can't quite shake that sense of "what if" that has lingered.

What if I had tried harder to have that third baby?

Did I give up too soon? Is it too late now?

What would it even feel like to go all the way back to diapers and nap schedules and intense sleep deprivation?

And most of all...will I ever not feel this lack of closure?

Would I have felt it if I had had the third baby...or would I have still always wondered what just one more would have felt like?

I have so many of these feelings on my mind all the time...wondering if I made the right choice, or if I'll ever truly feel at peace with the choice that was, to some degree, made for me.

I don't have those answers, and I don't have any major takeaways from all this. I guess...I don't know, I just wanted to put this out there: If you feel that "what if" about another baby, you're not alone. And I'd love to hear from all of you too. Did you ever truly feel that sense of completion? Or are there a lot of us out there right now who just...will always have questions in their hearts and their heads?