The Tip That Saved Me While Navigating Infertility and Pregnancy Loss During the Holidays

The thing about infertility and pregnancy loss is that triggers are absolutely everywhere. They’re in the questions you get when you turn down a drink. The way conversations inevitably shift to when you’re having kids.  The pregnancy announcements you’ll hear in person at parties. During the holiday season, those triggers feel even harder to avoid, as you may find yourself socializing more and seeing relatives after a while.

All this to say: If you’re in it right now, I know the last thing you want is unsolicited advice. But I'm here to offer you one tip that I think may actually help. Here it is: Get your script ready.

Heading into a family dinner or a holiday party knowing that you may face some fertility speculation allows you to avoid feeling totally blindsided when someone says or asks something that makes you uncomfortable.

You can keep it classy and tactful. For example, when someone tells you to “hurry up and have a baby” (ugh, really!?!) you don’t have to find yourself frozen and wondering if you should serve back the attitude the comment deserves. Instead you could just say something like “Thanks for that advice” or “We’re doing our best right now”. 

Or, you can go in a different direction. Humor, for example: You could say “Wait, how do we go about making that happen again? We’re not really sure how babies are made.” 

You can also take a moment to set the record straight. If someone asks you if you’re pregnant, for example? You could fire back with “Wow, I’m really surprised you felt comfortable asking me that. What an invasive question.” 

Regardless of which approach you take, I’ve found it really helpful to just be prepared. To work out a few of the triggers you may encounter and pre-plan how you’ll react to them. 

I wish people who are walking through infertility didn’t have to think about these scenarios. But the reality is, too many people don’t understand the need for sensitivity around these issues.

My take? You have to anticipate some of these invasive comments and questions because people still just don’t get it. And while we work to move the needle culturally, in the meantime, all we can do is handle the situations in real time. 

And in my experience? Preparing yourself with a script to pull out in these situations makes it ever-so-slightly less awkward.