Hot Take: We Should Stop Asking People If They’re Done Having Kids

“So are you done having kids?” is pretty much a standard conversational question — like, to the point that it often comes up the first time you meet someone. It’s a question we shouldn’t be asking so casually, at least in my opinion.

Is it a categorically bad question? No, but it’s not one we should be asking people we barely know. And here’s my hot take: We shouldn’t be asking it of people we are close to either — especially not if we know they’ve ever experienced any type of fertility struggle or pregnancy complication.

For people who have experienced infertility, this is such a complicated question...and one that's really tough to answer. 

As someone who had twins after fertility challenges, a big part of me does want a third child, but I don’t think the desire is big enough for me to undergo testing, treatments, face the possibility of another miscarriage, and endure another high-risk, complicated pregnancy. And so when people ask me about having another child (or worse, tell me I should have another), even when they’re close friends or family members, it stings.

And it just feels plain awkward. I don’t have as simple a relationship to that question as some people do. I don’t have that luxury. 

Because for me, and for so many people out there for so many reasons, it’s not as simple as deciding whether or not you want another baby. There are so many health considerations and (especially in this economy!) financial considerations.

It’s not just about actually conceiving and birthing a baby either. A friend recently told me she couldn’t handle the thought of having a third baby because she couldn’t fathom the possibility of having a child who would never meet her dad, who passed away after her second child’s birth. 

Once you factor in one of those things, you realize...this isn't a simple question for so many people.

And the truth is, it’s complicated to explain all that to someone who has never walked through any of the issues that can affect your relationship to the question of whether you’ll have another baby. So here’s a thought: Let’s file this question under “things we’re leaving in 2025”.