What's the Best Thing to do for Someone Who Just Had a Baby?

It's been almost 8 years since I've had a brand new baby, but when I try to think back to the things that made me feel truly helped and supported, I don't think about actions; I think about sentiments.

I think about how a friend offered to come over and hold my babies so I could take a long shower — I never took her up on that offer, but knowing someone was in my corner made me feel less alone.

I think about how another friend sent me a meal. It happened to be a food I don't really care for, but that didn't matter. It was the gesture and the thoughtfulness that really stuck with me.

More than anything, I think about the fellow twin moms who reached out to me with offers to answer any questions that came up, and to tell me that it would get easier. There was nothing they were necessarily doing to help me, but the fact that they took a moment to reach out, even though I hadn't seen or spoken to either of these women for years, felt so helpful.

Today, there's so much policing of how we should show up for a new mom.

"Don't offer to hold the baby! The mom doesn't want to hand her baby over!"

"Don't bring a meal without asking first!"

"Don't offer any advice!"

"Don't ask what you can do to help!"

And I find myself wondering: Is this extreme policing of how we show up for each other just getting in our way of real connection?

I don't quite know, because there are some things I feel should be hard and fast rules. You shouldn't visit a new mom or baby if you're sick (obviously!). You shouldn't expect a new mom to host you. You shouldn't tell her she looks tired (...really?).

But maybe...asking someone what you can do to help out isn't the worst thing in the world. Because let's face it: We all have different experiences, and some of us may welcome the opportunity to let someone else hold the baby while we eat a hot meal. Some of us would absolutely welcome a friend coming over to clean up or fold laundry...others would find this really stressful (TBH, I think I might fall into the latter category). Some of us appreciate the open-endedness of a "what can I do?", others find the mental load of having to answer that question really overwhelming. Others still may not ever take up that offer, but appreciate it all the same.

My take? Offer to send a meal. Definitely send a coffee. If you're invited over to meet the baby, consider bringing something over for the mom too. I love gifting new mothers a nice button-up pajama set (this set is pricey, but my favorite, and this is a great budget option), a massive water bottle (breastfeeding thirst is real, y'all), or a cozy blanket (I've heard amazing things about these and I think I might need to grab one).

So yes, we need boundaries around how we show up for postpartum moms. We need, above all else, to just be considerate. But maybe...we need a little bit less policing too?