PSA: Talking About Miscarriage and infertility Isn’t ‘Fearmongering’.

I’ve been a journalist covering fertility, reproductive health and parenting for over a decade. I’ve seen countless shifts in the way we discuss these topics. I’ve pored over lots of research, spoken to so many experts, and tapped into digital and IRL conversations about family-building and family-raising.

 

And to this day, the most impactful shift I've witnessed in these spaces is the one surrounding issues of pregnancy loss and infertility. Ten years ago, conversations about these topics were rare. We still operated under the idea that it was taboo or “TMI” to talk about the ins and outs of reproduction, so…we didn’t.

 

When someone had a tough time getting pregnant, or suffered a miscarage, or faced any other type of reproductive or menstrual health issue, they stayed silent.

 

But little by little, millennial women took control of these conversations. They began sharing their stories on social media. Celebrities started opening up about their own experiences. Friends began confiding in one another…and a whole new world cracked open. 

 

Because of this, people are finally starting to feel less alone when they experience fertility challenges or pregnancy loss. Now, we don’t just recognize that these issues are common. We also find community and resources and empathy surrounding them. We are starting to gain some cultural sensitivity around them. 

 

To some degree, infertility and miscarriage will always feel isolating. But today, people have avenues for conversation and community to show them they’re not alone. 

 

And the value of that? It’s huge. We’ve made incredible progress, but we’re still not quite where we need to be. And that’s why we have to reject any narratives that threaten the progress we’ve made. Because we still haven’t completely undone the idea that women express the realities of how their bodies function, they’re sharing “too much information”.

 

Recently, a certain influencer (who recently made waves by insinuating that she got pregnant very easily because of her mindset), doubled down on those past comments. Instead of understanding why her previous statements didn’t land, she leaned into this narrative that women shouldn’t “fixate” on issues like miscarriage and infertility. She, along with a guest on her podcast, claimed that Internet discourse around fertility is filled with negative stories. According to them, people who have had an easy time getting pregnant are afraid to share their experiences for fear of “triggering” others. The reality? Those easy pregnancy stories were once the only ones we ever heard. The podcast guest referred to discourse around pregnancy loss and fertility — the discourse women have worked so hard to create — as “fearmongering”.

 

The comments have gotten a lot of attention, but this issue is so much bigger than these two influencers. It’s about the constant messaging women receive around their bodies and their health. In regards to fertility, yes, but so many other conditions as well. 

 

You talk about your period pain? That’s TMI. You discuss your miscarriage? You’re making other people uncomfortable. You discuss vaginal health? That’s gross and way too intimate. You express your fertility challenges? Well, that’s fearmongering, according to this discourse. 

 

But of course, the idea that speaking up on fertility is “fearmongering” is about much more than just this particular conversation. Our world wants women to be silent. It wants us to be ashamed of their bodies. That makes it easier for everyone else to continue to view those bodies purely for their aesthetic value rather than the way they function or the way women feel in their bodies. It’s all connected, and it’s been holding us back for far too long.

 

We need to talk about our bodies and our experiences. When we do so, it normalizes what is normal, gives us the footholds to create communities and connections, and it helps other women make sense of what they’re experiencing in their own bodies. When we talk about the realities, especially around pregnancy and fertility and loss, we chip away at the shame. But instead of allowing us to do that, our world sends us message after message: That we need to stay silent and handle it on our own. 

 

Take miscarriages for example: We still have this “12-week rule” that tells us we should wait to share our news. But does that rule really exist for our own protection, or for everyone else’s comfort?  We are told to keep our pregnancy news — and our morning sickness and our sore breasts and our hormonal fluctuations — under wraps because if “something goes wrong”, then we’ll have to share that news as well. But why is that seen as an issue? It’s because there's still such an incredible amount of shame around stories related to fertility.

 

No one wants us to talk about what family-building truly involves, from conception to delivery to the messiness of postpartum. There’s simply too much reality around women’s bodies involved in all those comments. The world would rather we keep those stories to ourselves, allowing our bodies to be seen purely as pretty little vessels. 

 

But we say ‘enough of that’. We’ve come a long way, and we still have a long way to go. And we refuse to let anyone tell us it’s “too much” or “fearmongering” or “negativity” or “gross” when we talk about the real stuff around our bodies.