Two hearts become one and then two people become three. The fairy tale makes it all sound so effortless. Real life often has a way of complicating things, and in the effort it can take to create that third person it’s easy to forget about the two hearts becoming one part of the story.
Whether you are putting some intention behind conceiving, or on a full-blown fertility journey, sex can start to feel perfunctory and utilitarian. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here is a practical plan to infuse your partnership with romance and intimacy when you’re trying to conceive.
Coral Intimacy Journey
Note: This Coral Intimacy Journey is designed to start on the first day of your period. The prompts run in tandem to whatever is happening with your efforts to conceive and are not dependent on your individual fertility schedule. Think of this plan as a separate, tangential journey.
Start the Coral Intimacy Journey with 30 seconds of uninterrupted eye contact followed by a 30-second hug. This is something we call the 30/30. We’ll do this several times this month. You’ll start to get the feel of what 30 seconds feels like, but for now, set an alarm so you can get lost in the experience and not have to think about time. The idea is to be fully present in the moment with your partner without distraction.
Think about the first moment you saw your partner. What was the first thing you noticed about them? What first attracted you to them? Share that with each other.
Today, share with your partner one thing you appreciate about them and one thing you admire about them.
Today, share with your partner three things you appreciate and admire about them. Notice how it feels to be acknowledged like that by your partner.
It only takes 3 minutes to create physical, emotional, and energetic intimacy by tuning in to each other with the Coral exercise, Connect heart-to-heart.
Leave your partner a sweet love note on a post-it and stick it to the bathroom mirror or coffee pot. Wherever they are likely to find it in their morning or evening routine.
Congratulations on one week of intentional intimacy! Celebrate with a 30/30 and a dinner date. While you’re at dinner, pretend you’re on a first date and hungry to discover something new about each other.
It’s great to name what’s going well. What’s your superpower as a couple? Humor, passion, co-parenting, travel buddies, financial prowess, etc. Take a few moments to think about it today and shoot each other a text to share what you come up with.
Individual happiness contributes to relational happiness. Think about what makes you happy. It can be a walk outside, a milkshake, or a phone call with a friend. Make a plan to do one thing today that makes you happy and share what you did with your partner.
Do you know what makes your partner feel loved? Try Coral’s How to speak each other’s love language to make sure they feel the most loved. Compare thoughts and ideas about how to express your love in a way each other can hear it.
Based on what you learned yesterday, what is one thing you can do today to love up your partner in their love language? Do that. When they do the same for you, tell them how you feel.
Today, keep it simple. Tell your partner how it makes you feel to have sex with them. (Elated, Liberated, Loved, Peaceful, Intimate, In love…)
Getting a little steamier, this is your time to get creative. Describe the physical sensation of having an orgasm. The more elaborate you can be, the better. So, rather than “awesome” or “wild,” maybe something like this…you feel a warm rush in your groin, followed by a chill up your spine, tightness in your jaw, and ends with what feels like a wave of iridescent liquid crashing through your lower back out your heart.
Sensual but non-sexual touch is an important part of physical intimacy. Relieved of the pressure, or even possibility, of having sex, it can be liberating to just simply relax and feel pleasure. Today, schedule a time to give each other Coral’s Guided Massage.
This week we are going to flex your intimacy muscles in all the ways you’ve been practicing physical, emotional, verbal, and energetic. Start today with a 30/30, and tell your partner how it feels to be intentionally connecting to them.
Music is often a big part of a relationship. What song makes you think of your partner? Share it with them by texting a link they can listen to when you’re not together.
Tonight dance it out to the songs you chose for each other yesterday. Slow, funky, disco, tango…anything goes!
Erogenous zones are a spot on your body that you find arousing when touched, kissed, licked, or stroked. Share with your partner an erogenous zone that they may not know about. For example, your ears, inner wrist, lower abdomen, etc.
Today, take a moment to stroke, kiss, or nibble the erogenous zone your partner shared with you. Make a mental note of this spot and your partner’s reaction so you can give it attention the next time you make love.
At the beginning of a relationship, the simple act of kissing makes sparks fly. If your kissing has lost its luster, have a good old-fashioned make-out session and savor every sensation. For inspiration and guidance, try Coral’s quickie exercise Fun and flirty kissing.
High five on three weeks of intimacy and connection! Super simple today: Share something about your partner that’s a total turn-on.
Nonverbal communication can be surprisingly erotic. Today, silently think about something sexy while you spend one minute gazing into each other's eyes. Make sure you set a timer! Alternatively, set aside 14 minutes for Coral’s intimate exercise, Eye gazing for desire.
Today is the day to bring your partner a small gift. It doesn’t need to be fancy or extravagant…a leaf you find on the ground, a gift card for a cup of coffee, a paperclip necklace from the supply closet at work (shhh!).
It’s time for a 30/30, but today make it a 60/60. One full minute of uninterrupted eye contact followed by a one-minute hug. As you embrace, synchronize your breaths so you are breathing together. Long, slow, deep breaths. As you do this, notice all five senses. Imagine you are immersed in a sensual experience with your partner.
Today, eat a piece of fruit or drink a beverage with the same kind of sensual awareness you did hugging your partner yesterday. You can do this individually during the day, or when you are together. Either way, share your experience with your partner. Did you discover anything about the food, drink, or even yourself?
Imagine bringing the same level of sensual awareness while making out with your partner that you experienced yesterday with your food or drink. The feel of their breath on your face, the smell of their skin, the look in their eyes, the taste of their tongue on your teeth, the sound of lips exploring. Spend five minutes making out with your partner, immersed in the experience with all five senses. Imagine bringing that level of presence and pleasure next time you have sex.
Take some time today to write your partner a letter about what you’ve learned this last month through intentionally connecting with them. What have you discovered about yourself? About your partner? About your relationship? How has this experience shifted your perspective on conceiving? What do you appreciate about them even more now than you did a month ago? And most of all, how do you feel about your partnership moving forward? Don’t give your partner your letter yet. Save it for tomorrow.
Congratulations on completing Coral’s 28 Days of Intimacy! To celebrate, plan a date today and read your letters to each other. Talk about how you would like to stay connected and cultivate intimacy moving forward. Make sure to cap the evening off with a 30/30.
Zoë Kors is a sought-after thought leader of intimacy and sexuality. She is also the resident sex and intimacy coach and contributor at the sexual wellness app Coral. Her book, Radical Intimacy: Cultivate the Deeply Connected Relationships You Desire and Deserve, is available wherever you buy books. Zoë lives in Los Angeles with her husband, son, and dog. She’s passionate about many things: the daily ritual of French press coffee, the New York Times, and attending L.A. Galaxy games top the list.