We Need to Unpack the Myth of Being a "Naturally Good Gift-Giver"

Immediately after a holiday that involves a woman receiving a gift, the discourse is always the same. Women express frustration over the gift they received from a male partner being all wrong (or totally non-existent). And the response from the outside world is pretty much always the same: “Give him grace. He’s probably not a naturally good gift-giver”.

I see this happen after Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, birthdays, and yes, Christmas. A woman will say “it’s not that I wanted something wildly expensive, I just wanted something that felt really thoughtful”. Yet in many cases (especially when the gift-giver is a man), they’re made to feel guilty for not being satisfied with what they receive.

But here’s the thing: Nobody is a "naturally good gift giver".

Women tend to be better at it, sure — not because we were simply born with this innate ability to choose a bespoke gift for everyone on our lists, but because we’ve been socialized to spend a lot of time and emotional energy on thinking about other people’s wants and needs.

Gift-giving is work. Yes, it’s often a labor of love, but it’s labor all the same. It takes time and effort to think about a gift that is tailored to the recipient, procure said gift, wrap it and present it — and too often, all this labor falls solely on women.

That’s (part of) why women are even more exhausted than usual from November through January. We spend so much time doing this labor. For our partners, our family members, our in-laws, our kids, our friends, our kids’ teachers and the people who help us out in our day-to-day — yet we’re not allowed to expect anyone else to send this level of care back our way.

It’s time we stop gaslighting women for expecting someone to put in the labor of gift-giving for their benefit. And if you’re disappointed after this (and every) holiday, you deserve to hear this message: You didn’t “just need to communicate your wishes better”. You deserve to be seen and understood too….just like you see and understand all the people in your life.