If Your Felt Let Down on Valentine's Day, It's Not Your Fault

I’m in a Facebook group full of smart, kind, successful women. And every year, after a holiday like Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day — a day meant to center women — the discourse is the same.

Someone will get vulnerable and post something about how disappointed she was on the holiday. She will express that her partner failed to get her flowers or a gift, or even acknowledge the day. 

Inevitably, someone will reply with something along the lines of: “That sucks, but you really should have communicated your wants to him. He can’t read your mind.”

But I’m here to tell you: If you were let down on Valentine’s Day, it’s not your fault.

Women are expected to anticipate everyone’s needs — essentially, to read everybody’s minds. But when they dare to have expectations from someone else, even if those expectations are as simple as “I would like to receive flowers and a nice card on Valentine’s Day,” they’re asked  to do all the emotional heavy lifting. If they don't (or, quite honestly, even if they do) they're told they are the problem. 

You shouldn’t have to communicate to someone that you want them to be thoughtful. And while we’ve been fed narratives that having expectations around “Hallmark holidays” is “cringe” or “immature”, I say screw that! It’s okay to want to be showered with love every single day, and a little extra on special holidays.

The cool girl trope exists to keep women’s expectations low so they feel guilt or even shame for wanting to be cared for and considered. It keeps women performing all the emotional labor in their own lives, even when they are meant to be on the receiving end.

Obviously, communication is important. But at some point, we’ve got to just stop blaming women for every little thing and demanding they be the architects of their own special moments. I’m here to tell you that if you were let down on Valentine’s Day this year, it almost certainly wasn’t your fault. It’s not cringe or uncool or immature to want to be celebrated, it’s human.