Toward the beginning of my fertility journey, I naively and overzealously believed that there was a solution for everything and that IVF would be my solution. After being diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR) and later Premature Ovarian Failure (POF), I still had unwavering confidence that IVF, as recommended by my doctor, would work, and just like that, I would have the bubbly redheaded baby of my dreams. But the reality is, as many warriors know, there is no such thing as a guarantee when it comes to infertility.
On August 5th, after seven days of medication and 18 injections, my first IVF cycle was canceled with little warning. The blow was devastating! Our doctors try so hard to show us a positive face and endless options to get us to destination baby, but most of the time this comes at the expense of the honesty we need.
My body had little to no response to the huge dosages of medication and continuing was pointless. My doctor knew that but had sugar-coated my previous scan results, allowing my confidence to stay at an alarmingly high level.
So here is the reality. Cycles can and do get canceled, at any point, for one of the hundreds of reasons ranging from poor or low response to abnormal hormone levels to polyps or cysts, or even due to a global pandemic. If there were one thing I wish I could tell everyone who embarks on their first IVF journey, it’s yes, sometimes IVF works perfectly, BUT be prepared and have a plan for your cycle being canceled.
In the event you find yourself in my shoes, crushed that your cycle was canceled and feeling a little hopeless, here are some of the things to help you through it:
Before you even start your cycle…
Talk to your doctor about the various reasons that your cycle may be canceled. Ask if your diagnosis has any additional risks for cancellation. Each clinic approaches low or poor response differently, so ask if your doctor has a required minimum result for proceeding.
Ask about your options the day your cycle is canceled.
In extremely rare cases, if your IVF cycle is canceled while taking stims and you have a few follicles growing, you may be able to switch your treatment plan from IVF to IUI or Timed Intercourse. It’s a long shot, but it’s worth asking just in case this is an option for you. In most cases, your doctor may ask you to refrain from intercourse for your own health and safety.
Take notes about why your cycle is being canceled.
As I hurried to my car, in total shock, sobbing hysterically, I forgot almost everything my doctor had told me. When my partner asked me what had happened, all I could truly remember was that we canceled because my body didn’t respond. We then waited a full agonizing week to get basic answers like how many follicles I actually had visible, how small they were, and whether they had grown at all in seven days. It’s impossible. You’re heartbroken. But try to pause, ask questions, and write down the answers.
Have a self-care plan ready to go.
What’s your favorite movie? What is your favorite comfort food? Who knows you best and can make you laugh when the world seems to be falling apart? Have a plan to help hold the pieces of you together. For me, a whole bag of extra salty popcorn, The Nightmare Before Christmas, and my dogs were the things that got me through the day.
Don’t punish yourself.
You will inevitably ask yourself what you could have done differently and if you are anything like me, you’ll probably guilt yourself over every little thing. Listen to me when I say this: you did everything you were capable of doing with the information you had. That sip of caffeine, missed acupuncture appointment, or random magic supplement listed in a book was not the make-or-break point of your cycle! Sometimes our bodies just need something done a little differently, and luckily your doctor now knows more about yours and can adjust accordingly.
Compile a list of questions for your doctor.
Following any cycle cancellation, your doctor should schedule a follow-up appointment to discuss what happened and how to proceed. This can be a few days or weeks after your cycle has ended. In the meantime, pull out a handy dandy notebook and start writing down any questions that come to you. What would they do differently? Is there anything you can personally change for a potentially better outcome? When can you start again? What do you do with all this extra medicine? I had 17 questions on my list. Literally, no shame.
Take your time to choose your next steps.
A canceled cycle can really take the wind out of your sails or it can make you even more eager to try again. Most clinics will ask you to wait for one natural cycle before jumping back into IVF, so take this time to consider what you really need. You may need a mental break from the process and that’s okay. Listen to your mind and body and most importantly...
Allow yourself to grieve.
Toxic positivity is a thing y’all. After a canceled cycle, you are under no obligation to look on the bright side or feel any ounce of positivity. Have your pity party! Cry, stare at the wall for an hour thinking how did I get here, get angry, feel all the feels, and do not let anyone tell you how to act. Grief is an uncomfortable thing for many people to experience or behold but that doesn’t make it any less important. It’s part of acceptance and moving on. So grieve in your own way girlfriend, you get to do you!
Every journey is different, and if you are just embarking on your first IVF cycle I don’t want to discourage your hope and optimism. Hope is a great and wonderful thing that carries you through the toughest and darkest moments of your journey.
Throughout my entire canceled cycle grief spiral, I still held on to hope. An overwhelming and defiant hope that the next cycle would be better. I learned that I am stronger, more persistent, and more resilient than I ever thought I was. Now that I knew what lay ahead, I could confidently and willingly decide to go through it all over again. My second cycle saw many steps forward that wouldn’t have been possible without all the learnings from my canceled cycle. So if you find yourself in the same position I was in, I pray some of these tips can help you through it.
Stay hopeful, my fellow warriors!
Cerra Carpenter is a 33-year-old event planner from San Francisco, who never planned on infertility. In March of 2020, after taking a Modern Fertility home test, Cerra was diagnosed with infertility and later confirmed to have Premature Ovarian Failure (POF). Completely unprepared and totally obsessed with beating the odds, Cerra dove headfirst into IVF treatment and has completed two cycles as of October. In addition to being an active member of Rescripted, Cerra is also an avid reader, traveler, knitter, swimmer, snowboarder, and moon worshipper with two active pups to keep her busy.
