Dear Infertility _Season 4_Ep 3_Bethany Meyers: Audio automatically transcribed by Sonix

Dear Infertility _Season 4_Ep 3_Bethany Meyers: this mp3 audio file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Hi, I'm Kristyn Hodgdon, an IVF mom, proud fertility advocate, and co-founder of Rescripted. Welcome to Dear (In)fertility, the first-ever podcast that doubles as an advice column for fertility, infertility, and pregnancy loss. This season we're going back to our roots, highlighting personal fertility stories from those who have been there, through IVF, egg freezing, donor conception, surrogacy, and more. Now, let's dive in and work towards ending the stigma around fertility, infertility, and pregnancy loss.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Dear (In)fertility. I'm your host, Kristyn, and I'm here with Bethany Meyers. Hi, Bethany!

Bethany Meyers:
Hello.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Hey, thank you for joining me. I'm so excited to have you.

Bethany Meyers:
I'm so excited to be here.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
So for those of you who don't know Bethany, she's the founder and chief executive officer of the be.come project, a body neutral, I can do it, go on and love yourself approach to boutique fitness in an accessible 25-minute routine. After a difficult fertility journey, Bethany is currently pregnant with her first child. Congratulations!

Bethany Meyers:
Thank you.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
I'm so thrilled for you. I've been following your journey for a long time and I feel like we both had pregnancy losses not too far apart, and we both know how devastating that is. And so I'm just so ecstatic for you. And we were just talking before this and Bethany said she's 21 weeks, so a little bit more than halfway through her pregnancy, which is really exciting. So before we get into the nitty gritty, I kind of wanted to ask you in your own words, can you sort of give us a brief overview of sort of your path to get here in your own words?

Bethany Meyers:
Yeah, I was trying for about two years to get pregnant. Never in a million years thought that it was going to be an issue for me because I was one of those that, I was like a cycle tracker before anyone was tracking their cycles and never took birth control. And like you did so much womb meditating, you know, all of the things and I thought it would happen really quickly. And I was so surprised when it didn't. We moved to IUI after about a year of trying and we did two IUIs and the second one we got pregnant. I was ecstatic, I was like, I'm finally out of this hell. And then we miscarried, and I ended up having a D&C procedure for that miscarriage. Even though I waited for a long time, I really wanted to pass it on my own. And that was like another frustrating piece, and then we decided to move to IVF. And I actually, we started doing the IVF process, did the egg retrieval, and then we had a hiccup that was like completely out of the blue. And I won't go into details, but we basically had to push our transfer two months. And in those two months, I ended up getting pregnant without medical intervention. And I think that that story, if I had heard that story when I was trying to get pregnant, I would have been so thoroughly annoyed.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Of course yeah.

Bethany Meyers:
Because it almost feels like it follows the trope of like, well, once you stop trying, then it's going to happen. So, I just want to say that in the two months, in this little lull that happened, it wasn't like I stopped trying, it wasn't like I was barefoot and free as a butterfly and just like, enjoying myself, and that's why I got pregnant. I was still, like, stressed about it driving, driving for hours to see my partner, peeing on ovulation sticks, doing all the thing. And it just so happened that that was the timing, that it all happened. And so now I am 21 weeks pregnant today and hopeful that this little baby that's doing our wedding anniversary goes all the way.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
I'm so excited for you. Yeah. No, I think that's important to point out because it can be like, oh, they just relaxed and she got pregnant and but at the same time, it's also really hopeful because that's the goal, right? Like you, and now, hopefully, you have some embryos that, that you could potentially use down the line.

Bethany Meyers:
I do. We have three embryos on ice, which is comforting, I think. I haven't monitored the transfer process and I certainly have read a lot of people's experience going through that and how tough that can be. But I'm trying to focus on ... and on this. And I also just have to say I'm like, feel so honored to be here, this podcast got me through a lot.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Aw, thank you!

Bethany Meyers:
I'm getting emotional, but like, just remember like sitting in the bathtub and just like crying and listening to different people's stories on here. And it really, really was like one, like finding this community was one of the most supportive pieces that didn't like, make me feel pushed away. And I was just like, very special and feels very full circle to be here today and talking with you.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Oh, thank you. That means so much. You're going to make me emotional now. I'm so happy it helped. So what was your initial diagnosis like? Did you have one or was it unexplained?

Bethany Meyers:
It was unexplained. All of my levels looked good and everything looked good, which was comforting in many ways, and also frustrating because, you know, it feels like there is no answer. And it really kind of felt like a personal attack or something from the universe or from my own intuition or something very strange.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah. And, and, you know, you run a fitness company and like, you're healthy and you're fit, and it's like, almost feels like counterintuitive that you're doing everything you can and should be doing and cycle tracking and all that stuff. And then it's like it's almost even more of a shock when you can't get pregnant.

Bethany Meyers:
Totally. I mean, I think that, you know, in my, in my work in fitness, like, I teach people how to be in control of their body, like from a, from a physical point of view, right? Like how to maneuver your body in a certain way, like I'm so in touch with my physical self. It was very, very jarring to be out of touch with that. And when I think about this experience, I think about like the control that you want to have everything and sort of the very fine line between like surrendering and giving up and like what that feels like for you and how that manifests within itself. It was a, it was a very strange and empowering experience. I've been writing a book throughout both my infertility process and my, and my pregnancy and its surrounding body neutrality, body acceptance, finding like this neutral zone. All these things that I talk about with the be.come project. And one of the chapters is really surrounding control, right? And how like the good pieces of control, and then when control crosses the line and becomes obsessive, and I just think so much of the, the journey of all of this has really been interwoven with the book and in a very special and unique way.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
That's awesome. I'm excited to read it. Can we talk a little bit about body neutrality? Because I know for me, I mean, I'm working out and fitness is one of my biggest passions and like, it helps me feel in control of my mental health and my physical health. But then during IVF, like, you kind of have to take a little bit of a step back. And I remember seeing your stories on Instagram about, about that. And so how did that all feel throughout the process and what exactly is body neutrality and how can people kind of work to find that on their fertility journey?

Bethany Meyers:
Yeah, So the idea of body neutrality is I mean, I have a kind of a one-liner I always say, but some days we love our body, some days we hate our body. But every single day we can learn to respect our body. And it's the recognition that we are more than our physical self. And I think, when we look at the way that we're trained to think about ourselves, there's like one side of the pendulum that is body shame, right? And the beauty industry, the diet industry, even like, you know, you can't get pregnant and then you're feeling ashamed because of that, right? There's like all this down on our self and then the other side of the pendulum can almost be like this toxic positivity where it's like, yeah, I love myself every single day and all of my stuff and maybe it feels kind of fake. And then there's more of this neutral zone where it's like, yeah, sometimes I feel like shit, some days I feel awesome, but at the end of the day, like that's just my physical self and I'm so much more than that and I'm going to respect all the things that my body can do for me and how far it has gotten me. And that's really what the body neutrality piece is about. And I really like to express the fact that it is in no means a destination. Like it's not like I got, I got body neutral today, like I'm done, I'm walking away and that would be awesome. But, you know, through the process of trying to get pregnant, I was like really, really shook just at how much, one, all of your attention is turned on to your physical self, right? Like your body, you're pumping yourself with hormones. You are, like you're going through a lot, especially if you get pregnant, you lose the baby, like there's so many, and even pregnancy, right? Like it changes your body. Like this is just, it's a lot and I was really.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
No one talks about the physical changes after miscarriage either.

Bethany Meyers:
Yes. No one talks about it. And my whole body was like a completely different, I was like, what is going on? You know? So it was really difficult to like, to rest more within that neutral side of myself. And so I like to think of body neutrality as a tool that we can use to help us on the days when things really aren't feeling good and it's like something there that can help get us back into a neutral state. So like maybe before you're looking in the mirror and your self-talk is really negative and you're hating on yourself, my legs and my cellulite, or whatever it is. And maybe when you have more of that neutrality, those thoughts still come into your head, but you're able to acknowledge and recognize them and be like, wow, I'm really talking about myself this way. I wonder why I'm feeling all of these things about myself and then how can I connect back to my own self-worth?

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Absolutely. It's so complicated because there's like the feeling of my body's not doing what it's supposed to do, like first and foremost. Then there's the added hormones, then there's the inability to work out at the level that you might be used to. And it's like just this complicated web. But I will say that somehow I'm, I feel more proud of my body now than I did, like prior to going through any of this and carrying babies like, it, I'm definitely not in a, like a size that I used to be in, but I feel like my body has done a lot for me, even if it's not all positive, you know?

Bethany Meyers:
Yeah, absolutely. Because it's almost, like not to sound cheesy, but it's like you're still standing, you know, you're still here, you're still doing the work, like your body did carry you through all of that. And I think that's a feat in and of itself.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Very resilient. Yes. So I want to go into your miscarriage. If you're, if you feel comfortable kind of talking about it, because, well, first of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. And I've been there and I know how hard it is. And I was telling a friend recently that, like, sometimes I feel like the, the immediate aftermath wasn't the hardest part for me. It's like the time that passes and you feel like all of the what ifs come flooding in and it's like, oh, I would have been due next month or I would have been X amount of weeks pregnant. And so talk a little bit about your grieving process and what that was all like.

Bethany Meyers:
Yeah, it was devastating. You know, we weren't very far along. I think maybe we both had, you know, a blighted ovum to be ....?

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yes, yes.

Bethany Meyers:
I was. ...

Kristyn Hodgdon:
When you know, yeah. For those who are listening, who don't know what that is, it's when you have a clinical pregnancy in your uterus, but it's an empty sack and there's nothing inside of it. Yes.

Bethany Meyers:
So when we got pregnant, like, I wasn't even aware, not that I wasn't aware that miscarriage hap, but it didn't really cross my mind that much. And then we got to our first ultrasound and it wasn't positive, and I was so confused. And I think that there was like a part of me that felt kind of, almost a little bit like I shouldn't be this upset because I wasn't that far along, which I know isn't the case. But like, you know, like maybe somebody else could reason that or like, that was somewhere there for me. And, and it was just completely devastating. And I think that because I was so because we had been trying and I was just like, this is it, you know, like finally this is it. It's like you get to take this breath and then to have it stripped away. And I feel like I was trying so hard to get pregnant and was like, if I can just get pregnant and just get pregnant and it just need to control this one piece. And then it happened and I was like, oh, I'm not even in control of that. Like once it ..., you know what I mean? Like, it was just so, it was, felt so stripped. The good thing that happened because of it is, it was relieving to have a bit of a break after, you know, and like to not be on this cycle of trying every single month and all of the things.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Focusing on healing, yeah.

Bethany Meyers:
Focusing on healing, like the break felt nice, giving a moment to be like, okay, what do we want to do next? You know, like not so much pressure. And I do feel like that experience really helps me, it pushed me more into a place of surrender. And not that I think that you have to be like perfectly surrendered to get pregnant, because I would tell myself that a million times. I like staying outside, I surrender, surrender. You have to, come on, did I do it yet? Like peeking out of my eyes, like. But it did like stripped me down in a way that in hindsight, I feel like was really important to my growth as a person and ultimately my growth as a parent. But, you know, I really spent a lot of time in the grieving process and like grieved very openly and very loudly, which was really, in many ways new for me. And I almost like talking about it in ways because I think that by talking about it, it helps me so, so much. Like I talked about it publicly, like even like when, you know, kind of casually with people like, well, after our miscarriage, we blah, blah, blah. Like, it's part of my life and it's part of my story. And there's something about like owning that story that I think has been really healing as well.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Absolutely. And it's interesting, like almost when, because I'm the same way, I'm an open book and when I bring it up, someone always either has experienced a miscarriage or knows someone who has experienced miscarriage. And I mean, one in four known pregnancies end in loss, like that's, it's extremely common, that doesn't make it any less devastating. But the more we talk about it, the more we can find that common ground and maybe make someone else feel less alone who might not be open about it. So it's really important to, you know, for those of us who are willing to share our stories so that others can feel less isolated.

Bethany Meyers:
Yeah, absolutely.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
And I can, I can identify with the whole grieving process, too, because, and the surrendering after the fact, because that's kind of where I'm at now. It's like I just knew after my D&C, like, I can't, I can't try anymore, right, right this second, and I've been working in therapy a lot about it. My therapist just keeps saying, like, you don't have to make a decision right now.

Bethany Meyers:
Right, yeah.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
You don't, it's not like you're done having babies forever, or you have to go do another egg retrieval tomorrow. There can be this space of like healing and finding joy and focusing on the present, and it doesn't always have to be this. I mean, the problem is like fertility can just feel so time sensitive sometimes. And so.

Bethany Meyers:
... just to say.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah, yeah, that's, that's always the feeling in the back of your head is like, am I wasting time? But I think you have to listen to your intuition. It's like, I know that it would not be beneficial for me to like, go back to a fertility clinic right now, mentally. So you just kind of have to listen to your body. And then, for some people it might be like jumping right back into trying right away because that gives them a sense of control that they're craving.

Bethany Meyers:
Right, right. Yeah. I think that journey is different for everyone. And I do get really frustrated with the fertility world with, god, I guess, like just of so much of the time. I, I started trying when I was 34, I didn't get pregnant until I was 36. When I turned 35, that was like really hard for me because anything you read online, 35 is like ... point age, right? And so I was so like, hung up in the numbers for a while. And I, like prior to starting trying to get pregnant, you know, I live in New York City, like people don't start trying to get pregnant or they're like 40. Like, it's, just like the timeline is different than the town that I grew up in, in the small town of Missouri I grew up in. You know, like, where a lot of people have high schoolers now, like, it's very different. So I had never thought that much about the timing until I started trying. And then suddenly I felt so up against the clock. And I remember my therapist, like talking to me about it's not like you turn 35 and suddenly it drops down to the floor, right? Like everything is like gradual, like the numbers are gradual, but that's, I don't know. I had to pull myself off of the Internet and off of the numbers because it was an added pressure that did not feel good.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah. No, I feel that, I've been the same way with the whole like age gap between kids thing and I've just had to sort of let it go because it's.

Bethany Meyers:
It's a great point.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
It's just not serving me.

Bethany Meyers:
Right. Totally. Totally. Yeah.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
So what was that sort of the hardest part about this whole journey for you? Was it the control? Was it, would you reflect back on and say that was the most difficult thing?

Bethany Meyers:
I think the hardest part for me is I felt very backstabbed by myself specifically, like my own intuition. I consider myself a really intuitive person, and there's this spiritual side of myself that I connect with, and there's like, I don't know exactly how to put it into words, but like the ancestors of women who have gone before me, who guide me, who, you know, like I always felt very connected to that. I don't know if you've ever read the Red Tent, but like.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Ooh, I need to. I have heard of it.

Bethany Meyers:
It's unbelievable. It's, I've read it like seven times and it got me through, so probably three of those times were during the two years of trying to get pregnant. But it, you know, I always felt like so connected to this bigger than me side of like, caring and birthing children. And I would have I literally would have bet like $1,000,000 if I had it, that I would get pregnant right away. Like, it just was such a sure thing for me, when that didn't happen, and then we went down the road that we went on, I was like, what else about myself that I believe can I not trust?

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah.

Bethany Meyers:
And that was that was really difficult to reconcile with.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah, that's, that is difficult. And I always attribute it to like sex ed is so broken because like, no, like we're taught from a young age that if you have sex, you'll get pregnant.

Bethany Meyers:
Right!

Kristyn Hodgdon:
And if you have a regular period, you'll get pregnant. Like, I was the opposite, I didn't have a regular period. But I would imagine that if, like I had a normal 28-day cycle, I'd be like, okay, I really did. It's, you know, that's the natural order of things. So I can imagine that that's difficult to wrap your head around when you're like, so your body seems to be working the way it's supposed to right on the surface.

Bethany Meyers:
And I think like how I have reconciled some of it is that there was still an innate knowing within myself that happened. It wasn't as I thought it would be, like I thought I would get pregnant right away, it didn't happen. But I think that like my body didn't know what it was doing. And I also didn't like it when people said this when I was trying to get pregnant. But I'm going to say it anyway. Like I am grateful for the experience that we had. And I really do think that, it had already it is like prepped me more for parenthood than like anything else. And we've had quite a few friends, which I'm sure this ends up having to almost everybody like you start trying to get pregnant and then all of your friends are like getting pregnant and it feels like just snapping their fingers, you know? And everyone's journey to parenthood looks very different. But we've had several friends that it happened for them sooner than they thought it would, that they thought they were going to go for a while. And it happened right away. And, you know, emotionally, that actually played a big toll on them and was really hard to be like, oh, we're already here. I didn't know I was going to be this soon. I'm feeling all of these things, that baby is taking away my energy, like really emotionally having a hard time with it. And by the time that I got pregnant, like, I just felt like I was already on the cross, like I was so fully surrendered, I was like, take it all away from me, like, I'm so stripped down that I felt more ready for all of the emotions that maybe it brings. And I genuinely, I genuinely feel grateful for that time. So that's like the piece that my intuition knew that that's how I can trust myself again or something, I don't know.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah, no, it makes sense. And how, how has the whole experience affected you during pregnancy? How is your pregnancy been mentally and emotionally and physically?

Bethany Meyers:
Well, the first trimester I was terrified of miscarrying. And so there was a lot of anxiety wrapped up in that. And I was really, really nervous to celebrate or like to talk with my friends about it or to, like, get excited about it because I felt like if I got excited and we miscarried, it would make it so much more devastating. And I talked with my therapist about this and something that she told me that was like the most helpful thing. She was like, if you lose the baby, it's going to be devastating. Like, it's going to suck, it's going to be really, really hard like it doesn't, you celebrating more now isn't going to make it less devastating later, like it's going to suck and you're going to get through it and then you're going to figure out what your next step is.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah.

Bethany Meyers:
And that, like, that piece really helped me a lot.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
It's true.

Bethany Meyers:
Like, if it happens, it's going to suck. You know, nothing that I'm going to do is going to jinx it. So the first trimester was scary and a lot of like talks. I actually got one of those little heart rate Doppler things that so many people tell you like not to get or like. But it was the best thing that I've ever bought in my life because I didn't go for it like every single day. But just if I was having one of those moments, I could find a heartbeat, and that really, really supported me. As far as how I'm feeling, it's different than I expected. I kind of imagine that I would be like feeling magical all the time or something, which is silly, but it's really tiring. And, and simultaneously, I feel like so grateful to be tired, you know?

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah, it's like goes back to like, you can be both and you can be like super grateful and also find it hard. Like I really struggled with that during my pregnancy is like I just wanted, I felt like I should be like the happiest person on earth. But I was so scared of it being ripped out from under me. But your therapist is so right. Like, you know, even when I had my chemical pregnancy, I was pregnant for literally, like, three days. But just like seeing a positive pregnancy test, like you're excited whether you want to, like, let yourself be excited or not, you know? So but sometimes it's just like all of the emotions and it fluctuates and you can't really control any of it. You just have to like surrender.

Bethany Meyers:
Totally. I felt, just a side note that's on my mind, but I also felt like a lot of guilt when I got pregnant because I had like, made like this infertility community. And then I felt like guilt surrounding that, right? Like the person, like it was, it's just a lot of emotions going on that are very pulling and tugging you in different ways, which I can only imagine is also like very similar to what parenthood must be like. And I think about that comparison a lot. I think that however someone journeys to, to parenthood or if they do or like whatever path they end up taking. But I do think that this process, like, really prepares you for that in so many ways.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Oh, yes, 100%. I feel, I would say like infertility kind of taught me not to sweat the small stuff as much because like, you just realize that I'm like, I remember when my twins got here, I was like, as long as they're here, like, I'm healthy, I'm like all these little things, and then like four years later, I'm definitely not perfect. Things get complicated when you have like two toddlers, but, you know, it's, it's. Yeah, it's like, it's just like, grateful. It's hard for me to even imagine, like getting pregnant naturally with, like, never having had a hard time, never having experienced loss, like, and it just being like a given that, like, everything's fine, like, I can't even, like, wrap my head around that.

Bethany Meyers:
Right?

Kristyn Hodgdon:
So I don't take for granted, like, when things go the right way.

Bethany Meyers:
Yeah, totally.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
So the question I always like to ask towards the end of the podcast is, as you know, our company's name is Rescripted. What would you sort of rescript about how people understand or think about infertility or pregnancy loss or even pregnancy after loss?

Bethany Meyers:
I promised myself I was going to have this answer before we got on here, but I do have an answer. I think rescripting the idea of blame and the shame that comes along with it, you know, I think whether or not we want to talk about it on a surface level, woven deep within people who have a womb or born being able to have children. I think that there is a long held ancestral idea that, like if you do not have kids, you are not worthy. You know, like the queen needed to bear sons for the king, like that was the job. And I know that that really came up for me was a lot of shame at the end of the day, and I think to to rescript the idea of like how we take back our power in that. And if that means like choosing not to have kids or, you know, stopping at some point or whatever that means for someone, but knowing that it's not our fault, that not, birthing doesn't make you less than anyone else.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
I love that. And just like being a more empathetic, I don't know about you, but like, this whole process has made me more empathetic when other people are, or not to assume with when it comes to other people, like not everyone wants to have kids. Not everyone can have kids. Not everyone, you know is, I don't know, like miscarriages aren't not painful just because it's early. Like people kind of say these all these pleasantries or like they think they're making you feel better. But it's really just like, you know, that's kind of assuming that people want something that you think they want. I don't know, does that make sense?

Bethany Meyers:
It makes total sense. And I think I've just become so much more like respectful of everyone's journey, whatever that may look like. I have a family member, I have a sister in law who has nine children. And, you know, I think that there's sometimes this, not sometimes, like a lot of times there's a stigma that she gets it's like, oh, you know? And I'm like, no, like she shouldn't be judged the same way somebody who has never had kids shouldn't be judged, the way somebody who does IVF or surrogacy or whatever it is, like the the path that we choose, it's valid because it's ours, snd that's like the hard stop. And I think I've, you're right, like just becomes so much more empathetic and going through it to, to everyone's own experience.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Absolutely. Well, thank you so much, Bethany. This has been lovely getting to know you a little better. And I'm so thrilled for you and Nico and feel good. And let's stay in touch. Thank you for coming out, coming on the podcast.

Bethany Meyers:
Absolutely. Thank you so much.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Thank you for tuning into this episode of Dear (In)fertility. We hope it left you feeling more educated and empowered about your reproductive and sexual health. Whatever you're currently struggling with. Rescripted is here to hold your hand every step of the way. If you like today's episode and want to stay up to date on our podcast, don't forget to click subscribe, and to join Rescripted's Free Fertility Support Community, head to Rescripted.com.

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